Knock knock – Who’s there? – Nerdy Jokes!

Alright, I feel it’s been getting a bit too serious about here lately, so let’s lighten this up a bit. Also I’m lazy and tired and currently at work, so I don’t want to write anything complex today. Here are some of my favourite, incredibly nerdy jokes of all time…

  • What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
    A Flat minor.

  • It’s so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.

  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? …

  • Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?
    Well if you can’t helium and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

  • Where does bad light end up?
    In prism.

  • An optimist sees a glass as half full, a pessimist sees a glass as half empty, and an engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge, while surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon. And physicists, well they happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you’ve changed the outcome.

  • Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have H2O.” The second says, “I’ll have H2O too.” The second one dies.

  • Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was.” The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, “Do you guys know that there’s a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger says, “Well, I do now!”

  • Hilarious and amazingly true thing: if a pizza has a radius ‘z’ and a depth ‘a’ that pizza’s volume can be defined Pi*z*z*a.

  • How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Whoa, no that’s a hardware problem.

  • Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    No, it’s ‘to whom.’

  • How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the peni- the ladder, THE LADDER!

  • How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Fish…

  • How many psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, but it has to want to change.

  • How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Over NINE-THOUSAND!

  • What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
    A small medium at large.

  • Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
    Because she grew out of her B shells.

  • How did the hipster burn his tongue?
    He drank coffee before it was cool.

  • What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
    About halfway.

  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.

  • My friends and I put on a performance about puns. Yeah, it was basically just a play on words.

  • Why do French use only one egg in their omelets?
    Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • What’s Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
    Ba-na-na-na.

  • How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles?
    You give them ten tickles. (Tentickles, hehe, that one always makes me giggle.)

  • Why did the Dalek cross the road?
    To enslave humanity.

  • Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium are totally going out, I was like OMg.

  • Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?
    Elementary, my dear Watson.

  • Two whales walk in to a bar. One of them says, “hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh.” And the other one is like, “Man, Steve, go home. You’re drunk!”

  • Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.
    Da-dum siss!

  • Billy was a chemist’s son but now he is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4. Hey!

  • Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
    Fo’ drizzle.

  • What do you get when you mix an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?
    A dude who sits up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

  • What’s the difference between a writer and a park bench?
    A bench can support a family.

  • What do you get when you throw an hand grenade into a French bathroom?
    Linoleum blownapart.

  • How do you fit five bulbasaurs, a charizard and two pikachus onto a bus?
    You pokemon.

  • What do a teenage boy and the enzyme helicase have in common?
    They both want to unzip your genes.

  • What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black?
    A penguin rolling down a hill.

  • What’s black and white and laughing?
    The penguin that pushed him.

  • After giving up on being a nanny, Mary Poppins actually moved to Beverly Hills and became a fortuneteller. And she reads your future, not by looking at the lines on your hand, but by smelling your breath!
    They call her the super-california-mystic-expert-halitosis.

  • What kind of pants do the Mario brothers wear?
    Denim-denim-denim.

  • What did the 0 say to the 8?
    Nice belt.

  • What do you get if you line up eight sodiums in a row?
    (Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na…) Batman!

There you have it! Hope you enjoyed them and at least smiled a little.

Thanks go to Buzzfeed and Vlogbrothers, where I collected more than half of these from.

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