Stagnant Freedom

Have you ever had those moments where you just take a good, hard look at your life and realise that there’s nothing interesting at all about it? I’m having one of those days. I feel – stalled. Like my engines are raring to go, so ready to move forward, but then I get stuck. Putter out.

The early twenties are such an awkward phase in life. It feels like you’re balanced on a precipice, teetering, so close to something more. You’re not a kid anymore, not a teen with a cheap, minimum-wage job and high school drama. You’re not an adult yet, with mortgages and retirement plans. You just exist. Clawing your way towards something better than what you’ve got, all the while fearing perhaps that this is as good as it will ever get.

Some people have it easier than others. Some people have the finances and support systems to do what they want, to make the most of the liberation of this early adulthood. They study and travel and expand their social lives. They take on internships and build resumes and study abroad. They enjoy and they live.

Then there are the rest of us who are less well off. Those of us who have to work for a living and scrape our way through school. Who have exhausting schedules and little time for socialising. Who can’t take on internships or extra study opportunities because we have bills to pay and need the steady income. Who have fewer opportunities and are forced to settle, at least for the time being, for mediocrity.

That’s where I’m stuck.

And I hate it. Like genuinely hate it. As I discussed before, I’m a restless person. I need movement and adventure and experience. My life dream is to do things. To travel and try new things and meet new people and live different things. I’m twenty-four and I’ve spent my entire life doing the same thing, living in the same place, and even vacationing to the same places. I’ve worked boring, mind-numbing jobs that I can’t gain anything new from. I don’t have the experience to get the jobs I want, and I can’t get any jobs to provide that necessary experience.

I want to travel the world and I’ve never even left the country before. I’ve only visited ten of the fifty states, for God’s sake.

I suppose that’s why I’m so determined to be able to take my trip to England this spring. Not just because I have a friend there who I’d love to finally meet, but because I need to feel like I’ve done something with my life. To have at least begun the journey of my life. I need to get away and experience something new and different. To feel alive.

Because right now I am stalled. Stuck in the open world of the young adult.

Stagnant and free at the same time.

But then again, aren’t we all?


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